Loneliness

Loneliness is a constant state in which I find myself.. Hoping, at times, to be able to experience a connection to something or someone that makes me feel connected while even physically alone. Place where who and what I am is understood, appreciated and cherished as rarity... Priceless. Complex. One of a kind. My aroma is a speciality. A fragrance unaffordable by the masses, but kept special for that person who complements my complexity and simplifies my simplicities. I'm protected there.

Apparently, it doesn't exist. Only in the romanticism of my mind and heart. For in reality, complexities are welcomed with confusion. Simplicity, acknowledged with a brief overlook.. And protection, a figment of imagination.

She says I'm in my head.. Well in my head rests my reality and my experience. In my head lies the jaded space that use to be anticipation, the hole that preciously resided curiosity and the atmosphere of purity that was my naiveté... I no longer signify my intentions with a open heart, but a calculated step that protects my inner self. I approach with fear and courage in hopes that what awaits me isn't anything less than adoration, subconsciously expecting trickery of contentious pretending.

The presently romantic, plead with ideals of hope and faith in a tarnished world represented by rose colored thorns, icy lakes, and troubled waters. She exclaims a belief that difference is either problematic or the solution.. I respond with a hint of frustration and coupled contempt toward her Un-weathered dreams.

My words are neither purely specific or general. But instead, general specifics and specific generalities that encompass the unmastered and forever unpredictable force that is my emotions

Is this a girl, you avoidably ask. Or your experiences generally that shape thoughts of concern, heartache, and contempt. The answer.... YES.

You are she, she is you.. She is also others and the world at the same time. She is my experience, my moment, and my desire all in one. She is a conversation and an overarching experience... She is the change in weather, the adjustment of the season, and the transfer of one mass of water into another. She struggles in an effort to connect sincerely, signifying her intense desire to connect deeply.. She waits for responses with anxious anticipation, dry lips and concerned heart.. She is..... She is...

She builds me up to let me down. And let's me down to build me up. She is a sculptor, a mathematician. She's a visionary and a pessimist. An architect and an engineer.. A therapist and police enforcer... She is a masseuse and a chef.. What she is is everything and nothing simultaneously. She is... She isn't. She was... She wasn't. She can... She can't... She could... She wouldn't... I.... I... Was affected

It is because it was... And what was, will be.. And what will be, is.. LIFE. The comfort of life is indeed, living.. The understanding is in the experience.. Life is experience

Nothing to analyze nor understand. Rest in the uncertainty... Exist in the moment.. Release the anxiety...

Forever, in my head... There, I exist. Forever in my head. There, I exist. There, dwells always, loneliness.

There lies in me the power to only act upon my circumstance... Never to help myself feel less lonely. That, isn't within my control.

This is my reality... Escapable and beyond personal control. Patiently awaiting a victor of sorts, who does not respond to my complexity with any form of "too much".. Rather embraces the difference and uniqueness that kisses my personality and soul.

Fairytale you say, quite frankly a possibility... So what lies ahead, I dare not say is anticipation. More like a quieted dream of simple complexities and complex simplicities. What lies ahead is everything... And nothing, at the same time..