Nowhere

Anger. All I feel is anger. Anger towards a system that permeates my soul, influences my social role, and stifles my growth. I find that the generational pain, curse if you will, that insidiously and pervasively saturates my existence, has not only influenced my reality, but transformed my identity. I see it now in the words spoken, methods taken, and romance expressed… It’s too cumbersome to overcome. Insurmountable it seems. You see, being colored is a metaphysical dilemma I have yet to conquer. But I fight with every ounce of me to maintain a remnant of my former and present self. You call it survival and protective factors. I call it “no other choice”. You say emote. I ask “where am I free to do so?”. You say “try this (intervention)”. I respond with hesitation and apprehension knowing the traditional inaccessibility that is, the system you offer. A system that injures, that destroys, and lies. I trusted this system because I was taught to early. I learned quickly that I shouldn’t. I learned quickly that I am not welcome here. I have emotions, I do. But there is nowhere that I can safely be….emotional… Nowhere to share…my truth. Consequently, my partner and children, instead, experience the repercussions.